The Balancing Act: Navigating Your Needs and Your Parents' Expectations as the Eldest Daughter of Immigrant Parents
As the eldest daughter of immigrant parents, I’m guessing you often find yourself juggling multiple identities, each pulling you in different directions. You are expected to honour your family’s traditions and uphold their sacrifices. Meanwhile, you are trying to carve out your own space—finding your voice, asserting your independence, and chasing dreams that may sometimes conflict with your parents’ values. I know this because I’ve been there, too.
It’s not an easy path. The weight of cultural expectations, familial duties, and personal aspirations can feel like a tug-of-war within your heart. But what if you could find a way to honour both your own needs and the needs of your parents, without feeling like you’re constantly at odds?
The Struggles of the Eldest Daughter
As the eldest child, you’re probably the "trailblazer" of your family. Many times, you're expected to be the one to lead, set an example, and help guide younger siblings. If you’re an only child like me, responsibility for your parents and the “family image” falls entirely on your shoulders.
You feel the pressure to succeed academically, build a stable career, maintain the family’s reputation, and even take on additional caregiving roles at home. The expectations from your parents may be overwhelming, especially if they see your success as a reflection of their own sacrifices (tell me you have immigrant parents without telling me you have immigrant parents).
At the same time, you are also learning to navigate your own path! Your own dreams, desires, and values might clash with the values instilled by your parents. The South Asian immigrant experience often carries an unspoken understanding: prioritizing family over self, respecting elders, and working toward a stable future, often at the expense of following one’s passions or embracing individuality. “Keep your head down and do what we know is best for you.”
The problem arises when your need for independence, your pursuit of happiness, or your personal values come into conflict with these deeply ingrained family expectations.
Struggling With Your Identity
Many eldest daughters of immigrant parents often find themselves caught between two worlds—one where they are expected to fulfill family roles and uphold traditions, and another where they are influenced by Canadian, individualistic values.
Maybe your parents expect you to follow a specific career path, like becoming a doctor, engineer, or lawyer. Or perhaps they want you to prioritize family responsibilities over pursuing personal goals, especially when it comes to relationships or education. You might feel torn because while you respect and love your parents, their values and expectations may seem out of step with the life you want for yourself.
There is also the fear of disappointing them, especially when their sacrifices in moving to a new country were driven by the desire to give their children better opportunities. As their eldest daughter, the expectation is often that you will make the most of these opportunities, ensuring that their hard work isn’t in vain. But what if your dreams and aspirations diverge from theirs?
Finding a Balance: It’s Not About Choosing One or the Other
Here’s the thing: you don’t have to choose between honouring your parents and pursuing your own happiness. Finding a balance is challenging, but it is possible with patience, communication, and self-awareness.
Acknowledge the Emotional Complexity: Understand that both your needs and your parents’ needs are valid. Your parents may not understand your desire to carve out a different path, but their worries come from a place of love and concern for your future. On the other hand, your desire for independence is part of growing up and finding your own identity. Both are valid, and both can coexist, though it may take time to find that harmony.
Have Open Conversations: It can be scary to talk about your personal needs and aspirations, especially when your parents have certain expectations. But open, honest conversations are essential when possible. Start by expressing your respect and appreciation for everything they have done, and explain how their values influence your life choices. Share your dreams and aspirations, but also listen to theirs. This is the beginning of mutual understanding and respect. They can’t know what you don’t tell them.
Set Boundaries: This is one of the most challenging yet crucial steps. Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing your parents away or rejecting their culture—it’s about ensuring that you have space for your own growth. It’s okay to say no or to disagree with a particular expectation, as long as it’s done respectfully and thoughtfully. Boundaries protect your mental and emotional well-being while respecting the relationship you share with your parents.
Seek Compromise: There are often ways to meet in the middle. If your parents want you to pursue a stable career, maybe there’s a way to blend their expectations with your passions. For example, instead of choosing between a career in medicine or the arts, explore ways to combine both, such as becoming a medical illustrator or a health educator with a creative focus. You can integrate their values with your passions in a way that satisfies both.
Take Small Steps: You don’t have to make a massive change all at once. If there are shifts in your priorities or lifestyle that conflict with what your parents expect, make small changes over time. You can build their trust by showing them that you are still working toward a successful and stable future, but in a way that aligns with who you are and what you want.
The Power of Self-Acceptance
Ultimately, finding peace in this balancing act requires accepting that it’s okay to have different needs and desires than your parents. It’s okay to pursue a life that might look different from the one they envisioned for you. It’s also okay to honour their sacrifices and express gratitude for their guidance, even if it doesn’t always match your own path.
As the eldest daughter of immigrant parents, you are uniquely positioned to bridge cultures and to honour the past while creating your future. By finding a way to balance your needs with your parents' expectations, you can create a life that reflects who you are, not just who they hope you will be.
The journey isn’t easy, but it’s yours to navigate. Trust that, in time, you’ll learn how to honour both your family and your own heart.
