Understanding People-Pleasing in South Asian Households: Origins, Myths, and Breaking the Cycle
People-pleasing is a common behaviour pattern where individuals prioritize the needs, wants, and approval of others at the expense of their own well-being. While this can happen in any cultural context, South Asian households often reinforce people-pleasing tendencies due to deeply ingrained values, historical experiences, and societal expectations. Let’s explore where these tendencies come from, why you feel you benefit from them, the myths surrounding people-pleasing, and how to change these patterns for healthier relationships and self-empowerment.
What Is People-Pleasing?
At its core, people-pleasing involves acting in ways to gain approval, avoid conflict, or ensure harmony. It can look like saying yes when you’d rather say no, suppressing your own opinions, or going out of your way to make others comfortable even when it may hurt you.
For many, people-pleasing begins as a coping mechanism, often rooted in early experiences where approval and compliance were tied to love, safety, or acceptance. Over time, this behavior becomes habitual, creating patterns of self-neglect and internal conflict.
Where does people-pleasing stem from in South Asian households?
Collectivist Values: South Asian cultures often emphasize collectivism, where family and community are prioritized over individual needs. This means decisions and behaviours are guided by how they impact the larger group, rather than personal desires. People-pleasing becomes a way to maintain harmony and fulfill familial obligations. This is not always harmful or a bad thing - however, when it starts to impact you negatively, it may be time for some self-reflection and re-evaluation.
Cultural Expectations: Respect for elders, deference to authority, and conflict avoidance are strongly encouraged. Speaking up or asserting boundaries can sometimes be seen as disrespectful or selfish, pushing individuals to suppress their own needs.
Immigration Pressures: For diaspora families, children often feel the weight of their parents’ sacrifices and may overcompensate by striving to meet high expectations. People-pleasing becomes a way to “repay” that perceived debt and ensure they don’t “let the family down.”
Gender Roles: Women, or eldest daughters, in particular, are often socialized to prioritize caregiving and peacemaking. This results in a disproportionate expectation for them to put others first, perpetuating people-pleasing behaviours.
Intergenerational Trauma: Historical events like colonization, displacement, or partition have left scars that inform survival-based behaviours. Pleasing others, avoiding confrontation, and maintaining external harmony may have been necessary for survival, and these patterns are passed down through generations.
Why does it feel like people-pleasing is benefitting me?
People-pleasing can feel beneficial, especially in environments where conflict is unsafe or approval equates to belonging. Common reasons you might lean into people-pleasing include:
Avoiding Conflict: Saying yes or agreeing with others can help sidestep uncomfortable or confrontational situations.
Earning Approval: Pleasing others can bring praise, validation, or a sense of being needed.
Maintaining Harmony: In tight-knit communities or families, pleasing behaviors can reduce tension and create the appearance of unity.
Feeling Valuable: Self-worth is often tied to how much individuals can do for others, making people-pleasing feel like a path to purpose or significance.
While these perceived benefits may bring short-term comfort, they often lead to long-term consequences like burnout, resentment, and a loss of identity.
Myths About People-Pleasing
“People-pleasers are kind and selfless.” While people-pleasers often appear generous, their actions may stem from fear or insecurity rather than genuine altruism. Kindness and generosity involve boundaries and self-respect.
“People-pleasing keeps relationships strong.” In reality, relationships built on people-pleasing lack authenticity. Suppressing your true self to maintain a connection can lead to resentment and emotional distance. It is likely more harmful to your relationships in the long run.
“Setting boundaries will harm relationships.” Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, not self-sacrifice. Setting boundaries may initially cause discomfort, but it ultimately fosters stronger, more authentic connections.
“It’s selfish to stop people-pleasing.” Prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your well-being. You can’t pour into the cups of others if yours is empty.
How can I change my people-pleasing patterns?
Breaking free from people-pleasing takes time, self-awareness, and A LOT of practice. Here are some steps to help shift these behaviours:
Identify Your Patterns: Reflect on where you’re overcommitting, suppressing your needs, or seeking validation. Notice when you’re saying yes out of obligation rather than desire.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs: Question the myths you’ve internalized about people-pleasing. Ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen if I say no or assert my needs? Often, the fear is greater than reality.
Start Small: Begin by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations or with someone you trust. Practice saying no or expressing a preference in a kind but firm way.
Build Self-Worth: Remind yourself that your value isn’t tied to how much you do for others. Engage in activities that nurture your sense of self, like hobbies, therapy, or journaling.
Communicate Clearly: Use “I” statements to assert your needs without blame. For example, “I’m not able to take that on right now,” is clear and respectful. (Gentle reminder that “no” is a complete sentence.)
Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth. Therapy can also be a valuable space to explore and shift these patterns.
People-pleasing may feel like second nature, especially in cultures where it’s often praised or rewarded. But prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s an act of self-respect and empowerment. By setting boundaries, challenging limiting beliefs, and embracing your own needs, you can break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and create a life that honours your true self.
You have permission to take up space!
